October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.