Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips