PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Okay me first
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.