people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
don’t we all
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors