People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”