When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted