People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes