People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.


[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky


Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.


Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.


HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–


I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.


*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME


People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.