HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Okay, I’m still confused…
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.