People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Mouse
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.