Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
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What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I hate my earbuds.