cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
You Might Also Like
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool