People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
You Might Also Like
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.