People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…


friendly reminder that it is a sin to not be bisexual. the bible says adam and eve not adam or eve.


“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”


Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.


Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo


Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.


[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”

Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”


FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb