People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
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My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Comparing yourself to others
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…