People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
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Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
OMG 🤣🤣
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
the best thing i’ve ever made
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Happy Caturday!