People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

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STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread


Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection


[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce


I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used


<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no


Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.


Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.