@JasonIsbell

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

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@ArfMeasures

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

@ADHDeanASL

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

@samdunsiger

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

@chadchaines

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@copymama

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

@PolishWonder79

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.