Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Don’t forget to tip your server
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don鈥檛 remember how to do that
12: If you don鈥檛 remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there鈥檚 food at my door.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year鈥檚 is truly No Man鈥檚 Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”