ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.
HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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Me: do you want bread or toast
Me: are you sure
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: So, what kind of work do you do?
She: Internal consulting.
Me, scoffing: You can say gynecologist, we’re all adults here