@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

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@LizHackett

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

@tealbluejay

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

@Sassafrantz

[stops during sex]

If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.

@Fred_Delicious

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

@i_zzzzzz

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

@sucittaM

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

@clichedout

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen