People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help