@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

You Might Also Like

@illiter8too

ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.

HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.

@MumInBits

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

@iGreenGod

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

@lordratsquirt

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

@FeelingMervis

I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.

@ericsshadow

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

@ddsmidt

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

[First Date]

Me: So, what kind of work do you do?

She: Internal consulting.

Me, scoffing: You can say gynecologist, we’re all adults here