“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: ruin me for other men
*Two kids later*
Me: not like that
[stops during sex]
If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen