@JessObsess
@illiter8too
ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.
HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.
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@illiter8too
@MumInBits
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
@iGreenGod
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
@lordratsquirt
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
@FeelingMervis
I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
@ericsshadow
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
@ddsmidt
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
@Social_Mime
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
@Shot_Of_Cabo
[First Date]
Me: So, what kind of work do you do?
She: Internal consulting.
Me, scoffing: You can say gynecologist, we’re all adults here
@PDLComics
bury ourselves
