People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
🤣😂
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand