@pro_worrier_

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

You Might Also Like

@dksc4life

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

@comedyfish

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

@ComedicBust

My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.

@AmandaRNH

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

@MikeDrucker

TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.

TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@MikeCanRant

People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements

@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

@jp_mcdade

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?