pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.
TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?