People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

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“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?


ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u


A new study finds marijuana users are not more likely to have car accidents.

Mostly because they’re usually too high to find their cars.


Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.


I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.


sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon


My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?


[ At the grocery store ]

Cashier: Is that everything?

Me: Nope. I got all this invisible shit, too