@mattZillaaaa

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

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@aissalanis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

@jonnysun

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

@absolutemeh

A new study finds marijuana users are not more likely to have car accidents.

Mostly because they’re usually too high to find their cars.

@CarolineCasey

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

@lovemydogduck

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

@Holy_Mowgli

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

@TheMichaelRock

My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.

@SondraDeeMe

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

@Donna_McCoy

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

@summerlvn82

[ At the grocery store ]

Cashier: Is that everything?

Me: Nope. I got all this invisible shit, too