People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?