People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.