People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
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I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Selfie
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.