People are always coming up to me and asking me, “How’d you do it? What’s your secret? How’d you gain so much weight so fast?”

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Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.


Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.


I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.


Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.


[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how


[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch


Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.


Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Priest: …


Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”