@ComedicBust

People are always coming up to me and asking me, “How’d you do it? What’s your secret? How’d you gain so much weight so fast?”

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@Social_Mime

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

@PinkCamoTO

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@DebasaurusRex

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

@TheMichaelRock

Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.

@mrjohndarby

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

@markedly

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

@Ivsy01

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

@squirrel74wkgn

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

@StinkyGr33n

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”