A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Tear gas is the saddest gas.