People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You Might Also Like
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.