People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
forgive me baja for i have blast
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.