people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Still laughing at this stupid meme
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth