People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered