People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I thought this was funny lol
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Need WebMD
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
no regrets
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”