Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
he’s doing your taxes