People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

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[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08


[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.


undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss


Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”


A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.


Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead


What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.


Dear men,

We love you until you forget to call or show up late or breathe the wrong way

– women

P.s you’re reading this tweet wrong


Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.