People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
just make the entire table out of coaster
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Who called it baking and not making love
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.