I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Pass gas, not judgment.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.