Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
#IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery
I always leave the room when my son’s imaginary friend comes to play. I’ve seen ‘The Sixth Sense’ and frankly, I’m not taking any chances.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird