People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

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Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.


Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last


#IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.


Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.


Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny


JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”


Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?


I always leave the room when my son’s imaginary friend comes to play. I’ve seen ‘The Sixth Sense’ and frankly, I’m not taking any chances.


PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down


PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird