@PaulSchissler

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

You Might Also Like

@GibJimson

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

@TheOnion

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

@LucTabone

#IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.

@TheSharona06

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

@SketchesbyBoze

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

@KrangTNelson

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

@TheBoydP

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

@JaneBadall

I always leave the room when my son’s imaginary friend comes to play. I’ve seen ‘The Sixth Sense’ and frankly, I’m not taking any chances.

@rockymomax

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird