People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
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Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer