People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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Sign of the day..
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.