cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
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Aw man, but that’s the best part
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Knock Knock
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Admin smashed it 😂
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.