@GuyEndoreKaiser

People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.

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@Chumpstring

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

@realHamOnWry

I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.

@bottlerocket

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

@FeelingEuphoric

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

@Holy_Mowgli

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

@Wtftab

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

@Sarcasticsapien

Friend: *singing along* But I’m a creep. I’m a widow.

Me: Weirdo.

Friend: Sorry, I’ll stop.

Me: No, he says…yeah okay, thanks.