In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
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I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
What if you’re a Gift Horse Dentist?
me: im terrified of vowels
me: only sometimes
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
GOD: no you’re fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Friend: *singing along* But I’m a creep. I’m a widow.
Friend: Sorry, I’ll stop.
Me: No, he says…yeah okay, thanks.