He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
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Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
english majors be like furthermore
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad