@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

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@Jandalize

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

@Social_Mime

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@hurlarious

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

@littleliterally

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

@NYC_Blonde

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@parkersJoking

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad