People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
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If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…