@CrisMtzgr

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

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@Sassafrantz

I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.

@ndiquote

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

@pizzajaynow

When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.

@JohnLyonTweets

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

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@ChickenColeman

Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don’t believe in it. nigga I don’t believe in having a job but I still go to work

@Rollinintheseat

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

@lukeoneil47

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream