People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

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I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.


Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.


When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.


Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.




Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don’t believe in it. nigga I don’t believe in having a job but I still go to work


“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*


Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream