People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
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Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My five year plan is a meteorite
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?