@MarkAgee

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

- @MarkAgee

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Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

@NicestHippo

“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
Yeah, why?
“He pronounced sue like sway”

@faungirl123

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
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*flicks (disposer)
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I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

@nursemella

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

@preawsaurus

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves ­čÖé

@BinyominS

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

@CulturedRuffian

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

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