People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
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Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.