People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*