People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

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I’m responsible for the deaths of 100’s local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!


“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”


I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing


The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.


Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What


If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.


What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?


[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.