People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
You Might Also Like
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton