@FilthyRichmond

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

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@LindzThoughts

If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

@thenatewolf

*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.

@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@abhorrent_wife

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

@prufrockluvsong

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

@Bob_Janke

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

@kevnasto

According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries

@WeissBrandon

I get it short people, I get it.

Oooops sorry typo,

I’ll get it short people, I’ll get it.

@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@Home_Halfway

Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate