People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

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If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.


*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.


Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade


Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.


If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good


There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t


According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries


I get it short people, I get it.

Oooops sorry typo,

I’ll get it short people, I’ll get it.


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate