People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
is this meant to deter me
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.