People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.