People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Just why bro?!
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology