@Jesssicle

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

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@rickygervais

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

@Darlainky

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

@jtrulez

She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.

– Why my mystery novel failed

@primawesome

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

@Momtoteens

Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.

@ArfMeasures

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

@mstern68

If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day

Her: I’m your wife

Like I said, if you were my gf

@MarlonBrandNO

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

@TheAlexNevil

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!