People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
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The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.