People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Love this one 😂🧟
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
my one true gender
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.