People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.