I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Thrilling chase underway
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?