People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Breaking news:
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.