An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!