People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I only eat vegetarians.
the short answer to this question
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.